Travels

Being a housewife certainly is consuming, as I see my last post was in February. But recently I traveled to Italy and wrote the following blurb. Here is a pic of my little man running around with his favorite new toy on our terrace in Rome, and hopefully I can put more time aside soon for a nice update. I can tell you this though; being a mom is really awesome...


6-12-11

It's been awhile since I could sit down and articulate, regardless of the fact there is oh so much to say.
Wife, mother, friend... Seems I have been trying my luck in all the finer pursuits in life. Finer, to me. Is there a more
important job than mother? A more difficult job, than wife? I think not, and while trying to be the best I can be, I know
it is only possible from having those beautiful people in my life I can call friends.

From the time I was a girl I knew I wanted to pursue the life of the housewife, knowing I could pull it off so much better
than my own mother. It's funny though, how even though I hold her parenting in such low esteem I still crave her guidance.
I was trained well, through my various jobs in cooking, cleaning, house care and child care. Also within my own nature
there is a tendancy to guide and 'mother' so theoretically I should be golden. But still it is tough, with constant worries
of whether I am doing what is right for my son.

For example, even though I speak german not too shabbily, I am loathe to hear my beautiful little boy speaking german before
english. So while all my other mother friends are sending their children off to KITA, (german equivelant of child care or
preschool) my Alex stays home with me speaking english throughout his days and playing games only with me and other children
who also speak english. Am I robbing him of social interactions? When he is 3, only a short 20 months away, he will definitley
be in KITA because I know at this time he will NEED to be in a learnig program. But now, when his favorite fun is playing with
other people, shouldn't I relent and send him off to become germanized? Such a connundrum. To be entirely honest, I think I
would be quicker to acquiesce to this if I could speak with the KITA people, but again the language barrier comes in and makes
me think differently. Am I just being lazy? Because I know if I were back in California I would have no problems enrolling him
into any number of programs for toddlers his age...

But enough of my guilt, let us dwell upon the finer things in life for a moment. Such as here and now, wine and a beautiful italia
sunset. Yes I am sending this out from beautiful Rome, where I am lucky enough to be spending a week with my 2 beautiful boys.
So many monuments, landmarks, historical sites, culture and all the knowledge that comes with them. But really, what do I want to
do? Walk around and drink wine, of course! Our friends who have traveled here with us have put us to shame with there exuberant
energy for exploring the city from 8am till 10pm, walking and seeing all there is to see. But my family, we just like to stroll..
Chillin' through the city and coming upon what we may. Granted, most the things we have seen so far we have made it to only
because we were lost trying to meet up with our ambitious friends (and very rarely do we actually find them!) but half way though
the trip I have had such a spectacular time.

Never thought I would get here, but here I am. Trying my best and giving my all.

The dearest of friends.

Sometimes in life we are lucky enough to find a person who we connect with. A person we can love and admire, look up to and learn from, run to for comfort and compassion when it seems the world is dark and cold. Dispel our fears and give us hope. Today I would like to tell you about her.

2006 was a pivotal year for me. I left my fiancee and moved in with a friend, and on the same day was confronted with my father laying sick and asking for death in the hospital, while his wife scoffed me and made known my presence wasn't welcome. It was devastating, but a few months later my greatest dream was coming true; I was finally moving back to Santa Cruz. Needless to say, I was in great need of someone to believe in me and remind me how much joy there is in life, and I found her working as a new office manager in my beloved Calypso.

Gladys was so cool; savy and fun, but wise and strong. She would come and chat about how cute someone was, then share a story that would teach you love for yourself and the freedom to enjoy life. She would tell the funniest stories, but was never afraid to tell you if something from her story was painful or she had been scared shitless. She was a real woman, strong and full of life. Even my defensive heart had no power to not adore this woman, and every day I would come in and share my stories with her. It seems at least once a week I was asking her advice on some seemingly major event. And she was always there, not once turning me away or leading me to believe she had anything but love in her heart for me and everyone around her. So when a sickness swept into a loved ones life, she was there. I was so afraid, but even more afraid to see or let anyone else see how desperately afraid I was. Gladys had known cancer, she had looked it in the eye and told it to step the fuck back! She had beaten it and she gave me the strength to see that our loved one could beat it back too. She put her arm on my shoulder when I couldn't keep back my tears, and taught me that you need to be strong for the people you love.

She was the first person I told of my prince that was whisking me to Germany, the first hug I ran to in 2009 when my own mother took a bullet. She was the first one I called when my son was born. She gave me life, by showing me how to love myself and enjoy my life for the fun ride that it is.

I will miss her so much. THE WORLD will miss her. Anyone who ever was lucky enough to be touched by Gladys' smile will feel the pain of her absence. Strength to us all now, and I will hold every memory tight, so she lives on forever within us.

Looking forward

Winter in Germany.. Cold, gray, depressive in mind and body. You gotta give it to the german people man, they know how to brave the elements. I remember last winter, pregnant and hating the rain, seeing the people all out and about their business and wondering how they managed it. They're not chipper mind you, but they get up and do it. More than I can say for myself most days. Hence the age old german mantra, "Da ist nicht schrecklich wetter, nur schrecklich kleidung" which directly translated means "there is no bad weather only bad clothing."

And when I get us all dressed up and go out, I look to the trees bare and desolate, and I remember the leaves as they were in the spring and summer. I conjure the vision to push myself through the snow drifts and the tight lipped population.

But now on my desk there is a stack of forms, labeled USCIS.
United States Citizenship and Immigration Services.
Roberts green card application, and my ruby red slippers taking me home.

Sounds great, right? I mean, since my return in April of 2009 I have been cursing this country for taking me so far from my loved ones, and now everything is set up to start the process of returning home, but I falter. I pause.

What if I bring us back to poverty and destitution? What if my pushing to come home lands Alex in a school that introduces him to Americas highly dangerous and addictive drug culture? What happens if we have no money to send Alex and Robert back to Germany to visit their family here, and Alex misses out on knowing them?

So many questions, and I hesitate more and more. Perhaps it is the human condition that we are all afraid of change, but before I had another life resting in my heart I had never known it. I have always believed in the freedom to get up and go when you felt it was right, and always had the confidence in myself to know I would be just fine. Salem, OR: Reno, NV: San Jose, CA: Santa Cruz, CA: Hamburg, DE. It was no thing to just get up and go, but now that this beautiful person so full of life is hanging onto my heart, I stammer in my purpose and wonder if my motivations for going home are best for us or for just me. Cause it isn't just me anymore...

The Application of Appreciation; Paying Attention to the Details

Happiness can be defined for me as an exquisite feeling of love, and connection to the space you occupy at the moment. Complacency.



Going home, to my beautiful land of the free and home of the brave, gave me happiness in many more ways than the obvious. Being home gave me the peace of mind to stop for a moment, appreciate my life wherever the path may lead, and pay attention to the little things that make it all so beautiful.



Starting out in Philadelphia, we were greeted by the warmth and style of our dear friends home, which they graciously opened to us to the fullest extent. We were provided with a high chair and sleeping bed for Alex, as well as toys and most importantly the ambiance achieved when around people who love you. Alex was a hit, charming everyone he met, including the playfully good natured dog, Miles. I was in love with the house, a 3 story colorfully decorated jewel located, I believe, in fish town. I would wander from room to room admiring the art on the walls, and even the shades of colors the rooms were painted in. It was an unbelievably warm and lovely space, and I appreciated every moment of spending time there. I enjoyed an incredible girls night out, complete with crazy taxi drivers and an excellent combination of girl power and fun. Too soon, it was time to leave to go to California..



But of course, stepping off the plane into the warm California air, I knew it was indeed time; I was home.



Now I was born in and spent a good 20 years of my life in California, so being back was the most natural thing in the world for me, but this was different. I was home with my family. 'Family' being like an entity separate unto itself that required much of my time and attention.

But I was home.



How can a person begin to describe the feeling of being back, after so long. Lets not forget when last I was home, fleeing back for respite after my moms s-word, finding out after 2 weeks I was pregnant. Intense is too dull of a word for it. I was in shock. But this time, I soaked up every ounce of it. I have such regret there weren't twice as many hours in the day.





I have snapshots in my head. Dee and Angie singing to a screaming Alex in the backseat. RT grubbing on some begniet goodness. Maya, wine, picnic table.. Silliness. Andy and Chris and Allen, teasing me in front of the fire. San Francisco. Dancing. Oh, heaven.



I relished every second. Within the first few days of leaving Germany I completely lost my voice, I believe because I wasn't accustomed to talking so much. When I know everyone around me speaks my language, I tend to enjoy pontificating and trying to be funny. My humor however is not that great, so in translation I don't believe it does anything more than make me look confused. Which I do oh so well by myself =)



So I talked and laughed and danced, and found myself really thawing out from Germanys chill. Like a battery, I tried to soak it all in for use over the winter. And Robert, my dear husband whose life has changed as fast and as surely as mine, was able to see me in my element. I can't know what it is that he saw, but I saw a change come over me in the way of the application of appreciation, and paying attention to the details. I saw it as me holding his hand just a little bit longer, laughing at jokes just a little bit harder, glancing at him with just a little more pride. Perhaps it was just the time we spent uninterrupted by his work, but it really really was nice.

It wasn't all fun, as is to be expected for sure, and many times I would find myself stretched so thin I would literally have to schedule every minute of my time. Alex, and his disdain for being in the car, forced me by the end of the first week to ensure we were stationed by 7pm, and that helped. But still it was crazy busy. I was so tired sometimes, I would force myself to not talk to anyone and sleep because I knew my brain was not functioning properly. But it was so hard, since everything in the way of comfort and home was right there in front of me!



We were pimped out in the cabin in the forest, looking out over the redwoods and into the sky. My lovelies there provided us with everything we needed, including all the wood we could burn to keep the home fires burning. I was amazed at the ease and comfort we were shown, especially since we were there for almost 3 weeks straight. Even now, having been back a week, I wake up sad to know I won't be able to give Mayers some coffee on her way out the door. We LOVED it there.

Every day, driving down San Jose Soquel Road, I would drive gazing through eyes of immense appreciation. Rain or shine, that house at the bottom of the hill with the bright yellow leaves falling from its branches would whisper to me, "welcome home melissa mary." So beautiful. And Robert even got to enjoy some of Californias natural beauty, when our awesome buddies took him up to San Francisco for the day, and even to Yosemite for the day. Very awesome, considering I had no time and Alex had no patience for 4 hour trips in the car.

And then just like that, it was time to go.
So many things I didn't do, people I didn't see, things I didn't eat. (Not one burrito from Cali!)
I cried all day.

But I went...

Right back to Philly, to an incredible feast of great conversation and even better food! Oh my, Nellys mom makes a BOMB ASS brisket!! You see it was Thanksgiving day, my favorite holiday of the year, and we were living it up Philadelphia Russian-Jewish-Catholic style! Everyone was so nice, and there was like 30 people!! Nelly was the best hostess ever, always on top of what everyone needed. It was such a joy to me, because since I've known Nelly shes talked about the domestic stamina and vivaciousness of the women in her family, and it was an absolute joy to see it live in action. So we had a fabulous Thanksgiving, and for the next 2 days were able to chill out at home saving energy for the weekend..

Saturday was my birthday, and we went out. Oh my did we go out, and it was the BEST birthday I can remember. If you were there, you know it ;-D If you weren't there, well ladies must keep their secrets..

Sunday we went to New York, and although I had to stay in the hotel all night watching Alex, Robert was able to join Nelly and Ben for Nellys birthday night and from what I hear a good time was had by all.

Monday morning came like a kick to the stomach, as today we were leaving. REALLY leaving. Not just flying across the country, but out of the country, back to cold grey germany.


The Application of Appreciation; Paying Attention to the Details
In the coming months I plan to appreciate every smallest facet of the German Hausfrau lifestyle. I'll hold my sunshine in my heart, and let it guide my way.

Burning Expats

It doesn't take much. A will I suppose is the hardest, but once you acquire your passion and the diligence to follow it, things align I think. And so, Burn night numero dos minus playa, I made the walls dusty with celebration.

After spending awhile thinking about another year NOT on the playa, I realized a fest needed to be created. In 2009, after discovering my pregnancy, I was rather numbly able to let go of my love of Black Rock City in lieu of the health of my child. I think I could have gone, but I didn't KNOW. And after everything that had just transpired I knew it would be nothing short of a miracle for my child to come to fruition. Truth be told, I expected to lose my little seedling, as the self can endure only so much and still be able to bear fruit. But all was well, and the beginning of his life WAS a beginning; new and pure, joyous.

And then, I had really no idea of how much..

Burn night 2010. A night of celebration, fire, old friends and new. I decided to plan a gathering to bring the playa to me, as many wise people have said. I was very nervous, as my party planning skills had been sorely neglected over the past year or two. But the night was fabulous! Candles and fire spinning and talk of burning man a steady thread through various conversations. I am certain this is the first time I had been around so many people who hadn't had a glimpse of playa in their lives, and it was heavenly to me to be able to talk freely, aber manchmal auf deutsch...

And the playa did come to me then; being surrounded by happy people, opening up my space to celebration and friendship. I was running around most of the time I think, getting drinks and welcoming new faces, but that is alot of what BRC means to me. Camp mom is what I am called by some. If you love people feed them, has always been my motto, and doling out my happy pills as freely as I dare.

So we celebrated, and can you believe it I took not 1 picture! Too busy having fun I suppose, and as the wine and... Yes folks, MANGO FLAVORED VODKA!!!! was freely flowing, I reached my max at around midnight and snuck off to sleep. As I look back, it was the only bummer of the night, that I didn't have the stamina to see the dawn. Mama can't handle her liquor as well anymore, for sure!

But I feel truly blessed, and as last year I had the good fortune of spending burn night with someone I love, even 7000 miles away from home I can say again I had love around me. For 13 years I have pined for the desert towards the end of summer, and still I hope next year my yearning can be realized, but here and now, we have a type of complacency.

My new year has dawned, and looking backward, and inward, I see there is much yet to deal with. The loss of my mother preceded my pregnancy by a short 2 months, and I know I have tucked away much of my grief to make way for the new love in my life. But now it is time to take stock, and slowly let the grief surface and let the love and comfort of my family help to gently pull me through the tears. In November I will return to California, where photo albums and momentos wait for me to come and gather them. And the gun, of course, that too waits for me.

And even though I am truly afraid of the process of letting go and realizing, I know I have love on one shoulder and strength on the other, coaching me through. I said earlier I didn't realize how much this new beginning named Alex would bring joy into my life, but every day it becomes a little stronger. Now I feel there is no possible way I could love him more, but I know tomorrow will bring more love, more joy, more life to help staunch the wounds I am soon to reopen.

And this is what I realize, burn night 2010..

I will heal.
Life will grow.
Love will flow.
I am blessed.

Playa Blues

The dust is not thick upon my skin, but upon my tables.
So I clean the dust

The music is not what keeps me awake, but my 6 month old son.
So at 4am I am yet still awake, as naturally as anything.

My nights are not filled with bright lights and unimaginable art, but I keep bluebies in my sons room so when I put him to bed I can read by the light.
And so I see light and color throughout the night.

My body is yet here, typing away in a dimmly lit room, but my mind...
It dances, to the tune of the desert.

Can you see me there my dusty friend, dancing with you?
I feel you next to me.
Where we can finally take off the headphones...
And dance.

Summertime

Alas, it has come and gone, and now I sit again staring out at the drizzly grey world. Truthfully it frightens it a bit, sitting alone here through another winter. Last year I had company, and this year I have Alex, but still... I just hope the friendships I have made will sustain my need for sunshine through the next 7 months. And who knows, soon after I could be home.

But the summer was good! Starting in May and ending today, we had temps up to the high 90s for a month or so, and even in the cooler times it stayed in the 70s. And the nights! Oh what a trip looking out into the midnight sky and still seeing light. Didn't help my fire spinning, since spinning in the daylight is only fun after an all nighter (or all weekender as me and my peeps roll), but now that I have my mommy power on staying up past 11 is usually a chore. So now, as we march toward September, I see the darkness take over about 9.

And as I look toward it, I glance back at the fun we have had over the summer. Festivals and picnics, beach clubs and trips to far away cities. Here are somepictures from our adventures...



The 4th of July we had a wonderful picnic in the park, and for the fußbol matches we went to the Oktober next door to us and cheered with all the other Germans as Germany scored a win!





We went to a small town in Germany to the 25th wedding anniversery of some family friends, and wouldn't you know it they roasted a whole pig!!!





We visited the town of Scwerin and its castles and lakes.


We went on a boat tour and to the fair...



Even visited the beach club on the Elbe right near our home!






And had an awesome time creating many pinics in the park.

Overall, a great summer, spent with my boys who I love so dearly. Also with many of our new friends, but to protect their privacy I have included only pictures of the family. I think the winter will come swiftly, but I will be ready from soaking up the California sunshine in November. I hope you all have had fun summers full of warmth and light, and you're all welcome to my home come winter for glüwein by the fire =)